Аз ако пусна цялата тема откъдето го нося, няма да има място за друго


Dear Cretins:

I have been an NTL customer since 09th July 2001, when I signed up for your
four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm monitoring. During
this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not
previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic
proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either
pursue your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these difficulties -- or
more likely (I suspect), so that you can have some entertaining reading material as
you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in
your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an
entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When
he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold
music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your
helpful website. HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes -- an
activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled
installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget
to bring a number of vital tools -- such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over
four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested it -- and begun to pay
for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35% -- the hours
between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through Friday, and most of the weekend. I
am still waiting for my telephone connection.

I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully
transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals who are, it seems, also highly
skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available
(and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be
transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answering machine informing me
that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been
redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman. And several other variations on
this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand
other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially
important testicle moments to attend to.

Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my
frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.

I thought British Telecom was shit; that they had attained the holy piss-pot of
god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their
customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else, is
there?

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction
and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are
sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order. BT --
wankers though they are -- shine like brilliant beacons of success in the filthy mire
of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive
any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts
to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and
catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity will be greeted initially with
hilarity and disbelief and will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps
bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter tray, as
an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless
company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit --
they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable
disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.
Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless
employees.

Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short lives, you irritatingly
incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits.

.


По релсите не се разбира къде е поел влака