Dear Editor,

I read with childlike curiosity the article "Bush's
Warsaw War Pact," authored by Mrs. Maureen Dowd and
published recently in the paper of all the news that's
fit to print. As the old saying goes, "don't say or do
anything that you don't want your mother to read about
in the paper," so I address this letter to Mrs. Dowd's
mother as well, in case she begins to doubt the solid foundation of her daughter's words. Reading someone's thoughts is not the same as talking to that person face to face, so I take upon my shoulders to elaborate on the most important topics in Mrs. Dowd's article, to make sure nobody thinks they have anything to do with the cynicism and ennui which these days sift from the pages of even the most renowned papers like a misused spice.

First, it is true that we Bulgarians possess necks
that are four and a half times thicker than those of
normal human beings. As fate has it, it is these
abnormally large necks that have allowed the
Bulgarians to carry the yoke of Byzantines, Ottomans,
and Russians without as much as a bending of the knee.
When those empires - elephants of world politics,
storks of progress - crumbled to smithereens, we
looked back, shrugged, and carried on like a liberated
donkey, with a smile and a dancing step because our
necks were free to the breeze - and the neck, as even
the most reluctant scientist will confirm, is the link
between the mind and the heart.

Which brings us to attar of roses. Yes, it is true
that attar of roses is used in perfumes. However, it
is much more than that. Any Bulgarian grandmother can
tell you that attar is the best cure for insomnia and
broken heart. It is because of our Epicurean
consumption of roses that Bulgarians are foreign to
amorous pains, and this is why we love even those who
may not necessarily love us in return, such as
beautiful and powerful maidens who have been
temporarily spurned by their equally beautiful and
powerful lovers and who, as a rebound in a moment of
weakness, taunt us with their voluptuous shapes and
open pockets. Bulgarians keep chasing these haughty
and fickle ladies with the stubbornness of a horny
mutt.

Stubbornness is a quality of Bulgarians that Mrs. Dowd
has omitted for inexplicable reasons. Bulgarians are
so stubborn that one may suspect they will survive
(don't print this) something as eternal as the current
Bush administration or even (someone gag me!) the
Empire of the United States of America and look back
to laugh at it a few centuries from now. You see, for Bulgarians a few centuries don't mean much. Builgaria is so old that - when it was chiseled away from the rocks of Byzantium - many places in the world, such as the United States, America, France or Germany still didn't exist and people had to dream in order to see them.

I want to express my hope that you continue to
encourage abstract minds like Mrs. Dowd by publishing
them in your newspaper. We should encourage and help
such thinkers, for it is they who float over us like
the sweet shade of a grapevine, shielding us from the
scorching and cruel rays of knowledge. Every
grandmother in Bulgaria can tell you that the ignorant
are the ones who are blessed.

All the best and Cheers,

Nickolay Todorov
Los Angeles, California