The 9 types of users :)

The nine types of users ----------------------- 1. El Explicito - "I tried the thing, ya know, and it worked, ya know, but now it doesn't, ya know?" Advantages: Provides interesting communication challenges. Disadvantages: So do chimps. Symptoms: Complete inability to use proper nouns Real Case: One user walked up to a certain Armenian pod manager and said, "I can't get what I want!" The pod manager leaned back, put his hands on his belt-buckle, and said, "Well, ma'am, you've come to the right place." 2. Mad Bomber - "Well, I hit ALT-f6, shift-f8, CNTRL-f10, f4, and f9, and now it looks all weird." Advantages: Will try to find own solution to problems. Disadvantages: User might have translated document to Navajo without meaning to. Symptoms: More than six stopped jobs in UNIX, a 2:1 code-to-letter ratio in WordPerfect Real Case: One user came in complaining that his WordPerfect document was underlined. When I used reveal codes on it, I found that he'd set and unset underline more than fifty times in his document. 3. Frying Pan/Fire Tactician - "It didn't work with the data set we had, so I fed in my aunt's recipe for key lime pie." Advantages: Will usually fix error. Disadvantages: 'Fix' is defined VERY loosely here. Symptoms: A tendency to delete lines that get errors instead of fixing them. Real Case: One user complained that their program executed, but didn't do anything. The scon looked at it for twenty minutes before realizing that they'd commented out EVERY LINE. The user said, "Well, that was the only way I could get it to compile." 4. Shaman - "Last week, when the moon was full, the clouds were thick, and formahaut was above the horizon, I typed f77, and lo, it did compile." Advantages: Gives insight into primitive mythology. Disadvantages: Few scon are anthropology majors. Symptoms: Frequent questions about irrelevant objects. Real Case: One user complained that all information on one of their disks got erased (as Norton Utilities showed nothing but empty sectors, I suspect nothing had ever been on it). Reasoning that the deleted information went *somewhere*, they wouldn't shut up until the scon checked four different disks for the missing information. 5. X-user - "Will you look at those. . .um, that resolution, quite impressive, really." Advantages: Using the cutting-edge in graphics technology. Disadvantages: Has little or no idea how to use the cutting-edge in graphics technology. Symptoms: Fuzzy hands, blindness Real Case: When I was off duty, two users sat down in front of me at DEC station 5000/200s that systems was reconfiguring. I suppressed my laughter while, for twenty minutes, they sat down and did their best to act like they were doing exactly what they wanted to do, even though they couldn't log in. 6. Miracle Worker - "But it read a file from it yesterday!" 'Sir, at a guess, this disk has been swallowed and regurgitated.' "But I did that a month ago, and it read a file from it yesterday!" Advantages: Apparently has remarkable luck when you aren't around. Disadvantages: People complain when scon actually use the word 'horse-puckey'. Symptoms: Loses all ability to do impossible when you're around. Must be the kryptonite in your pocket. Real Case: At least three users have claimed that they've loaded IBM WordPerfect from Macintosh disks. 7. Taskmaster - "Well, this is a file in MacWrite. Do you know how I can upload it to MUSIC, transfer it over to UNIX from there, download it onto an IBM, convert it to WordPerfect, and put it in three-column format?" Advantages: Bold new challenges. Disadvantages: Makes one wish to be a garbage collector. Symptoms: An inability to keep quiet. Strong tendencies to make machines do things they don't want to do. Real Case: One user tried to get a scon to find out what another person's E-mail address was even though the user didn't know his target's home system, account name, or real name. 8. Maestro - "Well, first I sat down, like this. Then I logged on, like this, and after that, I typed in my password, like this, and after that I edited my file, like this, and after that I went to this line here, like this, and after that I picked my nose, like this." Advantages: Willing to show you exactly what they did to get an error. Disadvantages: For as long as five or six hours. Symptoms: Selective deafness to the phrases, "Right, right, okay, but what was the ERROR?", and a strong fondness for the phrase, "Well, I'm getting to that." Real Case: I once had to spend half an hour looking over a user's shoulder while they continuously retrieved a document into itself and denied that they did it (the user was complaining that their document was 87 copies of the same thing). 9. Princess (unfair, perhaps, as these tend, overwhelmingly, to be males) "I need a Mac, and someone's got the one I like reserved, would you please garrote him and put him in the paper recycling bin?" Advantages: Flatters you with their high standards for your service. Disadvantages: Impresses you with their obliviousness to other people on this planet. Symptoms: Inability to communicate except by complaining. Real Case: One asked a scon to remove the message of the day because he (the user) didn't like it.

Ще си го включа в личнаат колекция. А ето и от мен нещо, за да не изоставам: Program Development Terminology 1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in the wind. 2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college. 3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame. 4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech. 5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered. 6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch. 7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works. 8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who understood the thing quit. 9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless. 10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now. 11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let`s spread the responsibility for the screw up. 12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We`ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn`t interfere with what we`ve already done. 13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can`t wait to hear this bull! 14. SEE ME or LET`S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I`m lonely. 15. ALL NEW - Code not interchangeable with the previous design. 16. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - It finally worked! 17. LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken

Customer: "I'm running Windows '95." Tech Support: "Yes." Customer: "My computer isn't working now." Tech Support: "Yes, you said that."

Error Messages For Windows 2000 * Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. * Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. * Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. * Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE! * Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. * Close your eyes and press escape three times. * Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. * This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? * Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)" * This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off." * To "shut down" your system, type "WIN." * BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. * COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key. * CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N) * File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) * Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N) * Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. * Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) * WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS) * User Error: Replace user. * Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)" * Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due... * If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security? * Required Government Warning: After we got caught in cahoots with the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill your hard drives, the following message is now required as you save your files in Word. "Word has detected that you don't wish to save your text file as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential viruses. Would you like to save your old outdated ascii file as a Word file anyway?" * Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

Tova e Cool :))))))))

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Все пак ще се наложи да си отворя страницата (go.to/yassen) и да го копна като хората: +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The Haiku Error Messages Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on its hot new portable PC called the Vaio. Instead of producing the cryptic error messages characteristic of Microsoft's Windows 95, 3.1, and DOS operating systems, Sony's chairman Asai Tawara said : "We intend to capture the high ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has been until now - an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example, we have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry." The chairman went on to give examples of Sony's new error messages: - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The Web site you seek cannot be located but endless others exist - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ABORTED effort: Close all that you have. You ask way too much. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies so beautifully. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao, until You bring fresh toner. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Stay the patient course Of little worth is your ire The network is down - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Yesterday it worked Today it is not working Windows is like that - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Rather than a beep Or a rude error message, These words: "File not found." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank... - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - To err is human. Forgive-you-not has blossomed. Backup not found. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - "Mind Over Matter"? Try to recover the mind - disk is gone for good. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Think and ask yourself about God and the Password. Both needed to log on. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -