Try the Serenity Prayer instead of New Year's resolutions

When you think about it, New Year's resolutions are out of sync with the "take it one-day-at-a-time" Twelve Step philosophy. At the old year's end, we promise ourselves that next year, we will be better, do more, and eat less. We strive for improvement, even perfection, thinking that we will be happy and content if only we can achieve the often out-of-reach goals we set for ourselves.

As is often said at Twelve Step meetings, "There are two days in every week we have no control over: yesterday and tomorrow. Today is the only day we can change. Every day is a gift, that's why we call it the present."

We can choose to exercise or do a kind deed, or opt not to drink, gamble, or overeat today. But tomorrow is another story, with fresh choices. That's why Twelve Steppers generally say they are "recovering," not "recovered." They learn that recovery is an ongoing process they practice one day, one experience at a time.

When we lament the past or concentrate too much on the future, we often miss the richness of living each day fully. We expect that our lives will be better if we fulfill our resolutions. But Twelve Steppers are also warned, "The road to disappointment is paved with expectations." As most people in recovery can tell you, unmet expectations can lead to low self-esteem or depression, making you vulnerable to the unhealthy behaviors from which you struggle to abstain.

In Step Seven of the Twelve Steps, recovering people "humbly" ask their Higher Power (a power beyond themselves, whatever they interpret that to be) to remove their shortcomings. Unlike New Year's resolutions, this approach is a spiritual realization that mere determination and self-will are not enough to effect significant life changes. If wishes and will alone could make a person sober and serene, there would be no need for the mutual-help groups that millions flock to every day all over the world.

When we "humbly" seek assistance, we acknowledge that humility is an important part of recovery. In Twelve Step groups, humility is often interpreted to mean acceptance of ourselves as imperfect beings and recognizing that we are not the center of the universe. As the Twelve Step saying goes, "Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less." In this context, humility simply means that we drop pretenses and try to live as honestly as we can. This isn't to say there is no room for improvement. With help and hard work, we can always be a bit better, do a bit more. Humble beings realize they will never be perfect, but when they reach out to others--accepting help and offering it in return--they can be happier and healthier, living more wholly in a community with other imperfect beings.

Although humility is the acceptance that we are a cog in the wheel, not the wheel itself, it is not about self-deprecation--putting ourselves down when we are with others in our (usually unconscious) efforts to be the "best" humble person we can be. We do not want to be like the rich man who, when he saw the village holy man prostrating himself saying, "God, before you I am nothing," immediately joined him on the floor, saying in a louder voice, "God, before you I am nothing." When a homeless man joined them and repeated their supplication, the rich man whispered to the holy man, "Look who thinks he is nothing!"

Instead of the usual hard-to-achieve wishes and dreams this New Year, why not resolve to live each precious day fully, humbly asking for help when you need it, generously offering assistance when you can give it? Instead of making New Year's resolutions, consider the Serenity Prayer said by millions throughout the world: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."