Visions of the Past. / Религия и мистика / Вампири

I can not sleep. I can not close my eyes. Visions of the Past haunt me every moment when I am alone with myself.

I Remember 2 years ago things everything was different. I wasn't a Religeous Fanatic or A Red Skinhead or an Anarchy Jinassary. I was a joyfull boy with a big hearth. I had a flame that smouldered and had a peacefull nature. I loved everybody and I didn't wish to murder and cut throats. I just wanted love and care as I do now.

The changes, so dramatic I am now so blindly Fanatic. 2 years ago the phantom still wasn't born, my soul was not torn and battered.
I was so shy, I was so sensetive and gentle but now I am ruthless, quick tempered, revengeful, blind, fanatical, sociopathic, cold-blooded murderer. I do not hide my desires to personaly murder my enemys or friends that have turned their backs on me because of my insanity. I see betrayers everywhere. I see conspiracy everywhere around me against me or my sacred baliefs and personal philosophy. In fact now I have become the living breathing ideals of my religeon and social philosophy.

I only want blood and much of it. I want satisfaction for my rage and anger.
I have went berserk.

When I see those photos before 2 years ago and those from then up to now, I see
a epic change. I used to have playful eyes and an innocent smile but now my eyes are like glass balls, They do not capture images they pierce through them my smile is a tired one.

I used to have a warm hearth with lots of feelings and emotions now they vanish slowly...and thus making me a beast of a man a demon against humanity.

Things are not the way they used to be and my worst fear is that they will never return they way they were.

To this day I still can not explain to my self...exactly how the phantom came to be. I still can not explain his brith and yet I consider that everyone who has seen him thinks that he is the evil and vile part of me...Now as I think it over It seems that I am the evil and the vile not him. The big tragedy is that I have grown to be such a brute far more dark and far more unhuman that he will ever be.

I am now a broken man. I am not capable to feel normal at least to a social extend anymore. I pray at night and hide at day, I have become a monster..I am as ugly and deformed as the heathen-unbelievers and fascist patrolmen that I fight against.

I wish I could cry...I wish I could live...
But sadly I have lost those abilityies as the years went on. I have lost them early on in my life. I have destroyed myself completely and totaly.

If all change is for the better like they say...then why question it?
And yet days go by and so do weeks and months. Time slips so does life.
I have a gloomy tendency to quarrel my loved-ones and I suspect that is because they start to fear and dislike my growing insanity and that makes me sad.

I am so sad, so disappointed from myself. I do not recognize myself anymore. I have become a demon, a hated and rejected 63 kilogram bone structure in the form of a man. I am losing my humanity and yet All I ever wanted, all I ever fought for was...Love and care.
I have loved to strong that my love turned into hate and war-fever.

I remember the good days, I still crave for them to return.
I will do anything in my endless fanatical power of will, faith and body to force the return of those days. I will make them come back with my soul almighty! I am maybe a beast but still I am the Lion of JAH and the Real Revolutionary I have what it takes to force happynes and joy to return to me at all cost!

And yet...It seems that I have not lost everything. Тhe fact that I have written this shows that my Souls Almighty are still vivid and can return me to normal life and yet I will not give up my religeon I have sworn to serve my god as best as I can, neither the Calss War for social anarchy revolution.

Pray for me my sisters and brothers...Have faith in me...I will find the cure for my lunacy. This is the closest I will get to revealing my pain...I have never confessed to no one...the words that I have written above.