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WARNING...WARNING...WARNING..
IMPORTANT INFO FOR MEN
SHAVING ASS HAIR
I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to all
though
tasteless, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many
things do,
with me having trouble pooping. No, I was not constipated; this was not
a
regularity problem but a matter of technique.
It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were
constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks.
It led to
much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop,
but
unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling.
Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some
paper and
try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision
to avoid
smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no wayof
seeing
what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I
could
remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached
its Can't-
Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what
seemed
at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey, this is my butt and my
butt-hair, right?
So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will
flow out
like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go
down in
history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians
could there
be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by
JFK. "There! America On-line now has complete Usenet access!" by some
idiot
system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.
I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and
a towel
to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the
cheeks,
I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occasionally, I
would
have to clean the razor of accumulated hair, which I did by wiping it
on the
towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble
the
hairless cheeks of a newborn babe. Finally, I wiped the razor one last
time,
and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass
was
smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.
Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like
everything in
this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was
only
after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been
taking it
for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next
day, when I
walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights
of stairs
and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The
sweat was
accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of
my two
asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about
going to the
bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I
thought, it
would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the
microscopic poop -molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I
stood up
after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky
poop/sweat
combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch.
God-DAMN,
did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down
my crack.
Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I
rushed
back to the dorm. Unfortunately, this exertion caused me to sweat, and
when I
finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against
each
other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and
attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and
spreading my
cheeks.
As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free
and
filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I
had it
worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering poop/sweat went into the
fan and
blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat
there,
fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the
concentrated aroma
of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own poop blowing right
into my
face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair
grows back.
Weeks." Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at
every
opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair -
ventilation. I
attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my
asscheeks.
Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed
together,
and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my
cheeks
like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further
torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is
first
growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture
of a
brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish
torture,
andthere are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate
why I
shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat,
rather
than endure this constant agony.
Friends-DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!
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prochetete towa! :)
